Please Help!

Submitted: Feb. 19, 2008 @ 10:07 pm by Sir Will

Sir William,

I need help! My two year old knows how to open the refridgerator. (This is a box that keeps food cold and is approximately 1 cubit deep and wide and 3 cubits tall.) How do I keep him out?! I have apple sauce, juice, milk, and sour cream being pulled out of the fridge and spilled on the floor and throughout the house several times a day. Please help!

Sincerely,
A Desperate Mother

Dear Desperate Mother,

Help indeed! This "refridgerator" as you call it sounds suspiciously like the device that Sir Francis Bacon was constructing when he caught his death of cold while stuffing fowls full of snow, though I believe he was calling it a refrigerator. In any case, I cannot fathom what a contraption of this danger or size is doing inside a household!

My advice to you would be to dispose of this device at once. Apple sauces need not to be chilled, and juice can be served at room temperature without offending any reasonable mans taste. Furthermore, milk is at its best when straight from the utter and warm. And cream that has already gone sour, my dear, is hardly fit for consumption and should be thrown out. That said, I don't believe that this refridgerator is really of any use to you. I would advise you to get rid of it post haste.

Kindest regards,
Sir William Pennybank III

Valentine's Day

Submitted: Feb. 19, 2008 @ 9:59 pm by Sir Will

Dear Sir William,
Today is Valentine's Day and I still haven't gotten my Valentine anything! What should I do?

Yours,
A Perennial Procrastinator

Dear Procrastinator,
Fear not. A successful Valentine gift need not be well thought out or extravagant. It need only appear as such. Furthermore, during occasions such as these, local markets carry a plethora of suitable gifts.

If your Valentine is a man, most anything will do. A gift such as a new dagger or a sheath is both practical and luxurious. A fine hunting dog, likewise, has both a practical side and allows your Valentine an opportunity for recreation. Avoid sweet smelling soaps, perfumes and other gifts that defy masculinity.

If your Valentine is a woman, your options are various. From my experience, your best option would be to hire one of the town boys to gently slap her with a sacrificial goats skin soaked in blood, thereby bestowing upon her increased fertility throughout the year. In cultures where this ritual is not practiced, doves from a local animal shop, or beauty potions and skin creams from a local apothecary such as bath and body works would make a fine choice.
Best Wishes,
Sir William Pennybank III